Its been a fair old while since I've even logged in on to this blog..I'd love to say it's because I've been exploring the un-known and have found little treasures. But thats what I think in my mind. Down to the T all I've been doing is pondering! Sounds boring and a waste of time to many, and I guess it is but as I have probably mentioned on previous entries I was going to tell my story of the last couple of months on here at some point and I guess this time has come. Again it isn't anything special, but I would be super happy if anyone out there will of read this and realised that maybe it's similar to them and that they aren't alone which is what I have found for myself recently ♥
I am currently a student studying Textile design which truth be told I haven't really enjoyed much of it. I have thought that maybe I haven't put my all into it because I kept thinking that it wasn't for me, and even though I always started off well with work with research and collecting as I enjoying discovering things and have ideas wizzing around in my head. But then there was always this pattern forming that it would tale off and I'd find myself in the same position of just looking at what I had done so far and think I can't do this. It was never a question of me not trying I'd be working most days and at weekends but I never got anywhere it felt. When it came to showing my progress it was just another trouble added as being a creative student, part of it is to share thoughts and ideas. This would be fine for me at the beginning as how I mentioned before I would always have these ideas wizzing round. But as it became apparent these ideas of mine never really followed through meaning I could never stick to one thing and really explore in depth the possibilities of what could be developed. I never really thought that this would be an issue as for myself I thought that it was great that I could find so much inspiration and bounce off ideas. To my tutors though this was one of many problems as projects would go, as many of my peers would be developing on singular ideas but also bringing in inspiration as they went along I thought I was developing my ideas, but looking back now it is clear that I wasn't developing on a idea but starting a new one. So overall my work when showing it consisted of a lot of stop and starters. Maybe it is just a bad habit I have developed but I wouldn't know from where, as when I was at college I strived in many of my areas and produced work out of my ears. As my mum reminds me though it wasn't always plain sailing back then, her story of it consists of late nights, stresses, tears, making her help me at times. But of course all I remember or want to remember are the times when I completed work and got the grades I wanted. You may be thinking that so far this isn't anything out of the ordinary for anyone and I don't think anything really of my story is. So being at uni and my course I found myself probably thinking oh my god I'm out of depth, why is it that everyone else seems to be fine and why isn't my work looking like theirs, why isn't my work set out like theirs, mine doesn't look anything like theirs. So even just typing those negative words now feels exhausting to even be able to be thinking like that again. Everyone has their insecurities as I said I'm no different but as time was ticking along these became such constant thoughts in everyday living. I resented people that seemed to be so on top of things, I didn't even want to be talking to them as I thought they wouldn't be interested in me as my work is crap. I started to separate myself from everyone kept everything to myself as I couldn't handle anything said or even of what I thought people might be thinking about me. Of course at this time in my se cond year of uni, I thought this is normal and that everyone was worrying like me, have the same insecurities. As time went on it got to the point where I didn't want to go to uni I would wake up every morning with dread and sometimes I did wish that I would't wake up, quite a drastic thought I guess, but what I would find out in the months to come that many of my thoughts were drastically out of control. I began not wanting to speak to people , even close friends, I would think why would they want to speak to me I have nothing to say, I've got nothing to show for myself, I'm pointless. I would envy people who would be really sociable and get on with everyone as I thought that is how I used to be...ok maybe not getting on with everybody but certainly sociable, but even socialising out of my comfort zone I could't even imagine doing anymore. To me I think I am quite a shy person and I guess I'm not alone as many would be shy when they are in situations that are unknown to them. But to others I was seen as quite a loud,crazy person and I am with my friends. But then I'd think surely there was a time when I was getting to know my friends that I was probably shy with them to start. Who knows as many of my close friends I've grown up with so it was a normal process and we all shared the same things when growing up. Maybe it is since I've been on my own at uni that I finally noticed that now I'm not in my comfort zone of friends back home that I am seen completely different? Friends that I have made at uni see the crazy side of me..and I am my total self around as they can handle the madness, but even for them these past few months I have been a different person. Keep myself to myself a lot of the time. These feelings weren't always in the foreground of my mind and on show, there were time where I would be fine, hardly be thinking about anything just plodding along. Then just before christmas time of last year I hit an all time low, I had only ever experienced something as close to this a time in my second year of uni, but I thought that it would pass, as it was always a same pattern with me, something would just trigger off in my mind or in something that I was doing and I would be this negative monster, thinking that I was against everything/one, but it was mainly all in my mind. I didn't do anything about it this first time in my second year. I went home for some TLC and that seemed alright. When my parents came to pick me up they saw a completely different me..baring in mind I has given up on eating, just being able to wash and I was pale as a ghost (thank god for spell check on that word...I used to get mixed up with goats Ha!) But as I said with some TLC from parents and being back at the nest (Home), I seemed to pick up. I realised that it was pressure that I was putting on myself a lot of it, and I had to go back into my third year and ask and be more open and I think open minded. Returning in to third year was a mixed bag of emotions..I enjoyed having independence, I was getting into cooking and seeing my housemates again, I was itching to get back into drawing as well. But I remember for the first time ever I had a dreaded feeling in the pit of my stomach as the car was drawing closer to my house. I didn't want my parents to leave.
Third year started off I guess I could say my usual pattern, ideas, research drawings. I listened to my tutors as before I always felt that they were working against me and loved everyone elses work except mine. I struggled with keeping an open mind though as with my ideas I really wanted to stick with them, but as I was trying to bring in, inspiration from all over the place it just wasn't going to work. As I promised myself I would seek help and do everything to help me so I went to extra support lessons and I had one to one tutorials, and it was at one of these that I was finding myself being hell of a lot more truthful than I thought I'd ever be to a teacher, but it kind of felt relieving, even though she addressed it as me having a mental block and that I just needed to calm down and look at what I had done so far and I guess reflect. She gave me pointers and went through my good and bad parts of my work which maybe to many others they would hate having someone being like no not this, this ooo I like this no not this and see a pile creeping up. But to me I felt nothing I just sat there staring and she even looked at me and knew deep down that I felt nothing about what was in front of me. This was to be the beginning of the downfall...as I thought or it was the next stage of what I had been feeling like the year before. I found that I was constantly locking myself away trying to develop on what I had already got. But I wasn't getting anywhere I would just sit there and cry, throw out, or at times just be angry with everything. This can be probably associated with many of you out there. It's part of life I guess not everything you are going to achieve straight away, people have to work harder than others, some just are lucky. Time went slowly on, I began not to eat because I had this stupid mind set that I shouldn't be eating I should be working, I shouldn't be sleeping I should be working. Even when eventually I gave up on caring I thought I would feel a weight lifted and I had made the decision that I was going to drop out (in my mind) I was still going further and further down. Crying constantly, I'd wake up crying, cry in the shower, I would cry until I slept. I would hardly make effort with anything or anyone. I just wanted to curl up and gone. Some days before the christmas holidays I would try again with work but I'd sit there and just not even be able to think about anything. I felt nothing.
Cutting short to the holidays my parents thought it was best that I went to the doctors as I was beginning to suffer from panic attacks and sleeping was difficult. I didn't really speak much I sat there just listening to my mum as I found that of late I couldn't concentrate or retain any information. From this he prescribed me a low dosage of anti-depressant this was going to be eventually helping me with attacks. These tablets and of others of the kind do not work straight away and I found that when I went back I was to be put on a higher dosage. The holidays being around family and home settings I guess did me good as I wasn't in the same environment but I was at the same time I was far from my self. I remember when I first got home I went to my room and hid everything from my shelves out my site, as so my room had barely anything in it..maybe I thought at the time that a clear room, a clear mind. But it was beyond this as I couldn't handle having anything going on in my mind. I was just blank. I remember thinking that this must be how everyone else is like on a normal day, and that I had just been over thinking, but it was clear that I had gone from one extreme to another. It was a very emotional time and I wanted to mention that if it wasn't for my family and close friends that knew what I was going through I really honestly don't know what I would of done. I felt a lot of guilt and still do for putting them through all of this as I'm sure as much as me they didn't know what was going on with me let alone through my mind. They stuck by me and on many occasions would say really sweet things to make me realise what I meant to them and spend time with me. I found myself not wanting to do the things I used to enjoy like going out and at times drinking. I just wanted to be quite and sit there. I remember hating facebook and anything like it on the internet as I couldn't bare reading other peoples status es and it made me feel worse.
After the holidays I decided that I wanted to keep things as they were, or as much so. It wasn't going to be exactly the same as I had decided that I couldn't carry on with my course, physically and mentally I couldn't cope with anything like it. I admire people who even though every student have difficulties and many will of had times like mine but have gotten through it. As well I realised that I wasn't everyone else I was and am me, and this was the best for me. I know I'm not alone on making a decision like this as even friends of friends and family I have been told of someone they know who did the same as me. I had to stop thinking about everyone else, about how if they could cope I should be able to, everyone is different.
It has been 3 months since I left uni, many people around here do not know why I'm not there, many still think I am. It doesn't matter anyway as this is me and this is what I am doing. I wouldn't say I am better, I wouldn't say I am even ill. Having depression is an illness but I am me and I am coping with depression. At first I felt no different even with knowing I didn't have the stress of uni, I could barely face getting out of bed many mornings..this is probably a common thing for many with just not even wanting to go to work or anything. But I just didn't want to do anything except it to be a dark place and shut my eyes. Many may think its just being pathetic and that I should kick myself up the bum and get on with it..believe me I have had those talks to myself on many occasions, but at the times and looking back it just wasn't possible. It gradually got to a stage where I could be up and doing basic things like making a healthy meal for myself, clean etc. Looking after myself again, I still found it hard to be aware of things and concentrate on things. I couldn't think of anything worse than being creative or setting tasks for myself. Then the days came where I was quite active I'd go swimming as physical fitness is a natural balance for the brain, and I'd even attempt to bake (which is something I'm still doing) but then it would be followed by down days. Its something that I have had the luxury of letting it happen naturally, many people don't they have families to look after, jobs that they have to go to. I can't even attempt to talk about anything like that. But all I can comment on is myself and this is how I, myself have managed to cope.
These past few weeks have had more highs than lows, I've started to pick up in interests such as textiles and design. One of the reasons for setting this blog up, to help myself show what I like and to share what I find with others. I started reading blogs as well and find them really inspiring.
So on here from now on there won't be another essay of an entry again..but filled with images of inspirations, crafts, and for confidence within myself I may share some of my own works. ♥
